This season some of our biggest dreams are in the beginning stages of coming true. We are overwhelmed with excitement and anticipation. It has been one of the most beautiful seasons of my life. Trying to wrap my mind around the fact that God has chosen us to carry out this vision. Fragile, imperfections around every corner, and definitely not the most qualified for the job, but completely desperate for God to use us in any way for his Glory.
Even with all of the beauty of this season, there is room for the occasional fear and anxiety. Occasional? yeah right! It's a daily struggle to hand over all of my fears and worry and place them into the hands of the God who brought me here in the first place. Leading up to February, there are so many emotions, circumstances and what feels like an always growing to-do list saturating each and ever day of the week. It is busy. It is uncharted territory. It is exhausting. It is so packed full of grace and mercy that big emotions (good and bad) are inevitable. It's one of those seasons where you know the end product just isn't even remotely possible without absolute and totally dependance on our big God. Fear creeps in from time to time. I'm not a cry baby, or haven't been throwing the worlds longest pity party, but some days I just get worn down. It has taken a lot of sacrifice, but at the same time that I want to cry about all the we left behind, I want to cry about all that God has led us to and the doors that He continues to open day after day.
I think in this season of my life individual's words and actions stand out to me so much more than they typically do. The discouraging words cut like a knife on a level of intensity that I have never experienced. If no words are spoken at all, it can be equally as devastating to my day if I'm overwhelmed and my heart is longing for some small glimmer of affirmation. and them, at the same time, all it takes is a simple "Atta girl!" and the tears are flowing out of a heart that is overflowing with gratitude for such intense encouragement! Have you ever been there? I'm there and I'm not even an emotional person! (at some point before this season of my life is over, I'm pretty sure God is going to see to it that I quit using those words to describe myself!)
What I have learned is this, where there is fear there is always a peace that is greater. On most days, most people just aren't going to say exactly what you need them to say, when you need them to say it, and there will ALWAYS be days where it's just you (you're two year old) and Jesus. Yep. Alone... with no encouragement in sight. Especially when your husband is working 2 jobs, doing freelance design work and in the process of planting a church. (Have I mentioned that my husband is my hero?) Alone is always a scary thought. Alone is incredibly devastating if you are in a season where friendships are just non-existent (been there, done that and that's an entire other blog post). "Alone" can be equally as draining even if you are surrounded by great friends and people who love you, but if you are in a season that hold a very specific set of emotions for you and have a hard time relating to life as you once knew it. "Alone" is in the eye of the beholder, and no matter how many people we are surrounded by, days of feeling alone are just inevitable.
There is a great truth to be learned from the life of king David of the Bible. In 1 Samuel 30, David was having a bad day. A quite horrible day to be exact. not only had he suffered great loss, the people that surrounded him who had also suffered loss wanted to stone him. Ok, so my days don't look so bad at this point. Things get tough, but I'm pretty sure no one has ever wanted to stone me, that I'm aware of at least. But there have been days, and will continue to be days that even those who you want to sympathize with you and send some encouragement your way just might be consumed with their own lives... and rightfully so. We are all busy, all tired, and all have our fair share of valley's to walk through in life. Don't get mad, don't get sad and don't get bitter just because your "close" friends aren't validating your every emotion. In this case, David found the key. 1 Samuel 30:6 says "...but David encouraged and strengthened himself in the Lord his God." DAVID encouraged and strengthened HIMSELF. You can not possibly always depend on tangible encouragement. Your heavenly Father sees you, knows you, and is the world's best at validating your tears and fears. He led to to the place where you are and holds the perfect amount of peace to calm your every fear, to encourage your disappointed heart and to rejoice with you when you feel like you are alone in your joy. Learn the art of encouraging yourself in the Lord. Remind yourself of where His grace has brought you from and where His love is taking you. I may be a long ways from where you think I need to be, but you have no idea how far I've come. Even if joy is hard to find, count your blessings and trust in His relentless grace, and quietly wait for help from your great big God.
This is a passage from Lamentations 3, using The Message translation that I use to encourage myself quite often... If I were to be honest, it is sometimes even needed on a daily basis.
"22-24God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.
25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times.
28-30When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The "worst" is never the worst."
Encourage yourself today... and if you still have some energy left,
go encourage someone else too!
